MERRY CHRISTMAS

It’s Christmas time again and every year I pull this out. I originally wrote it in 1985 and have given it as a gift every year since then. Roland thought it was funny then and I see no reason for him to change his mind about it now.
So, Merry Christmas everyone! Charmian


December 13
My Dearest Roland

I was thrilled to receive your wonderful gift today! The tree looks beautiful in the yard and there is a live partridge in it. She seems to think she is at home there and I try not to disturb her. What a wonderfully, unusual gift.
Your true love,
Charmian

December 14
Dearest Roland:

How romantic of you! The two turtle doves are absolutely beautiful and they sound so nice. Their cage will stay in our bedroom and every time I look at them I will think loving thoughts of you. Thank you so much for being so sweet to me.
I love you,
Charmian

December 15
Dearest:

Well, well! How special. What a surprise! Three French hens – my goodness. I’m speechless. How nice. I think I’ll put them in the tree with the partridge.
Fondly
Charmian

December 16
Dear Roland:

The four calling birds are in the tree with the rest of the birds – they don’t seem to like it there.
Your wife
C.

December 17
Roland:
Am I supposed to know the significance of five gold rings? I’m so glad you didn’t send more birds! Now I have rings for one whole hand – maybe I should find bells for my toes and go to a party! You don’t do things half heartedly, do you? Thank you for thinking of me.
Love,
Charmian

December 18
Roland:

What is with you and your sudden love of birds? Do you have any idea how mean geese are when they’re nesting? You know, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, absence has shown a side of you that I never knew existed.
Charmian

December 19
Roland Gatlin

I don’t know what sort of fetish you have suddenly developed with birds (and I don’t care to know). What the hell are you doing? Do you know how many birds are living here now? Twenty three! The seven swans swim in the lake and crap on the dock, the geese are constantly honking about the swans getting close to their eggs and they crap in the yard. And the calling birds – thank God that’s a misnomer. I haven’t seen the partridge for three days. I can only hope she is migratory. For God’s sake – no more birds.
I am disconcerted,
Charmian

December 20
Mr. Roland Gatlin

You know I detest sick humor. I don’t deserve this! Why are you sending me such bizarre “gifts”? The cows and the eight milkmaids made a mess of the neighborhood. The cows frightened the geese into the neighbor’s garage. When he came out to get into his car one of the geese bit him. Not only do I have swan shit on the dock and goose shit in the yard, but now I also have fresh cow patties everywhere. There are fourteen buckets of milk on the kitchen counter and those milkmaids eat like horses. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT send me anymore gifts and you had better not come home any time soon. You must be some kind of pervert to think of doing something like this. This is not funny!
C.G.

December 21
You IDIOT

The police were here. They were investigating complaints about the animals. While they were here the nine “ladies” appeared on my doorstep. I shudder to think where you may have found them. The policeman took one look at them and called for reinforcements. He seemed to like it when the told him they were “waiting”. The neighbor with the goose bite came over all aglow and the police issued a not so subtle warning to me about solicitation. I’m just very thankful that the cops didn’t see milkmaids. I don’t want to deal with you! You are sick!

December 24

Listen, horse’s ass, I have had it! You are a menace and must be mentally deranged to think of these things. The ten leaping lords scared the hell out of me when I opened the door. The cows were so frightened by the pipers that they stampeded and crushed the nativity scene in the neighbor’s yard. One of the cows got her foot caught in the plastic baby Jesus and that caused quite a stir among the children across the street. The lords a leaping trampled the goose eggs. When the pipers tuned up the swans and geese panicked and attacked the milkmaids. The odor is unbelievable. There are thirty eight (38!) people here not counting me and all is not calm and bright. If you appear on my doorstep any time soon I’ll rip your face off. Do you understand?
C. G.

December 25, 1998
Hughes, Howard, Shultz and Nemitz Attys.

Re: Telephone Conversation December 21

Things have gotten worse! There are now, on my property, twelve drummers, eleven pipers, ten leaping lords, nine “ladies”, eight milk maids, seven swans, six geese, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a possible partridge. The “ladies” are no longer say they are waiting, nine of the lords leapt at that opportunity. One of the lords became enamored with one of the drummers and the pipers are talking about forming a rock group with the milkmaids as vocalists. The problem seems to be no one can play a synthesizer. All of the birds and cows are still here. I will pay you with the gold rings. The pear tree and what is probably the best-fertilized lawn and dock in the area are crawling with thrill seekers. I want that jerk stopped!
Sincerely
Charmian Gatlin

Hughes, Howard, Shultz and Nemitz Attys.

Your client, Charmian Gatlin, has signed a written release and requested that we notify you she is unable, at this time, to comply with your request for information. She is a patient here and is expected to remain in our locked facility for at least six more weeks. She has only recently reconnected with reality but the connection is tenuous. Ms. Gatlin occasionally hallucinates and seems to believe birds and other animals are destroying her. She is not currently deemed dangerous to herself or others however, our optimism is guarded. Hopefully she will be available for a consultation with you in about four weeks. We understand most of the charges against her have been dropped. Hopefully your power of attorney will be adequate to handle the remaining legal problems. We will update you on her progress as appropriate.
Whispering Pines Psychiatric Hospital